When the going gets tough… you know I’m focused on the next phrase… Because you are the only Author, of the book of your life…

You know what… it’s been a tough few weeks of darkness for me, questioning myself, my own belief in me and how I push through another stint in turmoil…

But in the end, there’s really only one way to go.

I’ve spent 15 years trying to find that missing piece of me, times where i believed in my own legacy and times when I had no belief in anything that I was, or have become.

In many ways I’m more adaptable and decisive than I was, in other ways I still find stop gaps that hold back my mindset and keep me stuck in a loop of consideration, what is to become, what is success, what is my meaning of life… tough questions to ask yourself when your winds have changed in so many ways.

Standing now at the edge of the gun barrel, only this time I’m the bullet.

My focus now is more acute, I’ve given up waiting for the life raft and I’m swimming home, I’m swimming home faster than ever. Every ounce of my being it set upon my destination and I will do this, all be it alone.

There can be only one result in this game of endurance and I will be the victor.

Not more bullsh*t! If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.

I’m the only one holding me back, no more time lapses, only fundamentals… Get up every day with renewed vigour and push for the present, not the end gain, I won’t be driven by my past or my future i will live in the now.

I’m not dead, I’m not debilitated and I’ve got limited excuse with my skill set at this point, for failing to deliver the future I want for my family.

“The world is dark with suffering, evil winds it’s wayward way, but brave men fight, for what is right and right will win the day!”

 

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Sabotage… Rich guy vs. poor guy, who’s beating the curve..?!

Whats frustrating is that I don’t want my blog to just be ranting at ‘the man’ but to be honest when I’m happier and positive it’s pretty difficult to find the impetus to write something…

I generally sit down when something boils my blood and if I’m too apathetic to bother, then I try and coax myself to write when I gain a bit more mojo.

The thing is… the rich mans not writing, he’s out on daddies dime and he doesn’t have the thought in mind that’s there when you have to bleed for it.

Respect is a curious thing… it’s rarely given, mostly due to spite, jealousy or suggestive insignificance.

I think I’ve been trying all my life, in some way, to find that respect. But it’s tough to respect yourself when you feel like you’re the last one convinced.

I’ve been advising FTSE 500 companies and major brands for nearly 15 years and they never do what you suggest until it’s too late anyway, so any knowledge gained that may be useful is often redundant because ‘that’s the way it’s always been done’… I very often wonder why they consider change at all in most cases…

There was a time when I felt fulfillment, too far ago to comprehend in reality, a different Thomas was running that mindset, and mostly not very well outside the office space.

That said, there was always another challenge, always another bar to be set and knocked off it’s perch.

The irony is that because I’m the only one that knows what I’ve achieved very often, I feel like I’m falling into this residual sense of self entitlement, that I should start at Everest base camp without all the dicking about every time…

It’s very hard to get past that!

I’m not past that… how do you push though it?!

My sense of calm waning when dealing with the ignorant, their smiles pasted on as if they were real, safe in the knowledge that they think I’m buying it. I’m not.

All I’ve ever really tried to do is throw my everything into whatever I do. At 15 I went for work experience in my local Tesco, thinking there’s a job in that afterwards… There was… I stacked 15 of the huge metal cages onto shelves every day for 7 days and sure enough, against the 2-3 that the average adult would do daily, I was hired back as soon as I was old enough.

The same scenario when I was chucked out of drama school for my mental health without support… I went into sales, and was doing 5 times daily what the other guys were doing…

I’ve always been milked for every ounce of of my being because I was passionate. Now I’m just fucking dry… lost in the aftermath of the guy I was. Evolving, but never fast enough for my own drivers.

Changing the world one minute and crippled by the weight of it the next.

My patience is now an empty vessel… I don’t deal with idiocy well, but who am I to define it… I’m pissed off at everyone and I don’t know why.

I think it’s because I just struggle with the ‘small talk of life’… that bullshit we do every day with our semi-auto-pilot mentality.

It’s easy to walk into a company now days and just take their money without really delivering anything to be honest… absolute walk in the park. However, when you care about what you do in any area of your work, that’s when you disrupt the status quo… and that’s how you get depressed.

Ironically the people I know who don’t really care about what they achieve day to day, they’re the happiest… I’ve spend 15 years pushing to be respected and to deliver significant change and I’m still fighting the darkness in my mind daily…

Now with anew son in my life I find myself ever questioning whether I will achieve what I set out to before he’s old enough to acknowledge it? I don’t even know what that looks like any more…

I know I need patience, I know that I don’t want to treat people in a negative way when they’re slow to catch up, but it’s extremely difficult thinking every day about a hundred different subjects that you can’t discuss with many people because they don’t have the patience, experience or speed of processing to get through it…

I can see people switch off if you test the water, you try to evolve from one element of subject matter to a couple, but that’s hard enough, try 5, 6, 7 various complex business challenges and they’re stuffed… so how do you work through that?

I’ve always been alone in mind. I don’t know what I will see in the mirror in 10 years. I hope it’s not the same guy.

Note to self: So what if you’re alone… many people are alone every day… your arms work, your legs work, you’re moaning about a fast pace mind when many have lost theirs… The man on the street in his rags doesn’t care about your mind, your money, your emotional baggage, all he wants is to forget the darkness that you both share. Start from there… no one in life deserves anything that they are not willing to achieve on their own merit and if your own merit got you somewhere once then you understand the dynamic and can do it again. Forget about the passers by if they’re not the same pace, finish the race your way, be kind and forget about the end gain because you’re missing the moment. Now before you sign off and go back to old habits, actually make some changes today… really think about how you make a shift. Einstein would have said stop trying the same thing multiple times Thomas, you know what that defines… just be you… without the negativity and go back to earning each moment of happiness, or you’ll never really value any of it anyway!

roosevelt

 

Burnt Out?

You know that lethargy that comes with over work… hmmmmmmmmm…….

I can barely begin to write a blog about it… I sometimes feel at the point of total burnout, operating so fast often 7 days a week – this is not cool…

It’s so difficult to process what to focus on some days.

Even now I find myself drifting off to consider how I define the road ahead, how I meet the glade; that break in the treeline, where you stare across the horizon…

I stare at my dogs from a table in the garden, rolling about together, wishing better for them, the trees and fields and endless boundaries to cross, when will that day come for them?

Is this within my grasp, should i refine what I’m doing still further and simplify my life, just to channel the energy?

Or should I push for the ultimate end gain, the greater of things… Harnessing everything I have mentally into ‘big change’ my ultimate goal being a foundation to fund and mentor entrepreneurs on ‘the spectrum’…

It seems the greater my dreams and ambitions evolve, the further I drift from my goals. Is this the vanity I chastise, or is this a culmination of all my knowledge and failure… I feel it’s the latter.

I didn’t get into running my own businesses because I knew everything would be easy, in fact it’s a miracle I’m still running my businesses, given the tribulations of recent years, but I will continue to adapt and shift nimbly as we evolve what we have created.

There’s a fervor now as I tap away and I see things more clearly.

I’m not sure what I need to do, but I am feeling more clarity, perhaps just enough of the clarity I need, to define the path to my own peace.

 

 

The Kingsman

All my life I’ve wondered who I was…

Losing my twin brother early on, you sort of feel like someone’s stolen a part of you, perhaps Hades has my soul…

Then as you grow, you try to find yourself, you try to put yourself back together, the more you learn, the more you evolve.

A life of martial arts and motorbikes, islands and jungles, always living symbiotic within my own sphere of adrenaline, never quite finding my fit…

When they told me I had a bipolar disorder, I didn’t know what that meant for me, but let me tell you what I’ve learned…

It means I love, I cry, I care; about humanity and ethics, every ounce of my being, shaped into an existence that’s about more than just myself…

A more human level of perception, I’m about people over profits, relationships not defined by social restraints or condemnations…

When I travel in London I see colour, I see shape in architecture, I see the cobbles in the alley, the aging hipster with his handlebar moustache and turnup denims… I see the chef in his whites, in the doorway, taking in the morning catch… I see energy…

I’ve always loved clothing, the variety of style, the fabric, the cut…

Even as a teen, my friends going out in their t-shirts and myself in a waistcoat and tie to offset the jean… And now I get to help define how others perceive themselves.

I get to bestow on them the strength that I have found, in the garments they adorn themselves with; in the way they operate…

In breaking down stigma, I encourage the hospitality and retail markets, the remove the veil of their shrouded vanity and remind themselves of their own truth…

And in doing so I’ve finally found out who I really am… The Kingsman.

Signature Background

Bipolar Baby Days – An Ode To My Son After Fathers Mental Health Day yesterday…

Anna & Baby

It feels like the culmination of 15 years in varied turmoil and drive, is coming to point of fruition, but the choices one lays out for themselves at this point are dramatically different…

When you come to that fork in the road you must either take the red pill or the blue pill… in one instance you wake up in your bed and you plod along mundane until you realise you missed it; but in the other instance, that red pill, that right fork, you find everything you’ve always wanted.

Always take the red pill my son, always run down that right fork as if to avoid a hoard of wolves at your back.

We were destined to always find our freedom and rid ourselves of the plight of mind… evolving, thoughts undulating, as they shift like the wind on a petal.

There’s no being bold, no stiff upper lip in my world, at the end of it I still fight every day to tear away the smog in my vision and push forward. To rise from my bed and to run for you.

My feet bleed and my heart aches as I try to find another way through, lungs choking the breath from my body like a giant vice…

Every negative I pay for in mind, every burden I shoulder, that I might cast it into the abyss at the end of days…

And if our playing small does not serve the world and we all must shine, then why do we struggle for our end gain, when so many are deaf?

We do this because in learning to flow through it, learning to be symbiotic within the world we live, while incubating our spirit for a new DNA, is how we shift the balance.

Wild horses never fear a man who knows himself.

And so for you my son I bleed…

“I’m overworked, with little pay, 5 years I’ve worked all 7 days,

But all that’s gone was built to last, you can’t evolve, if not from past,

And so I fight again and more, the futures knocking at my door,

I do this all, to see my son, just climbing tree’s, in fields he’s run,

And when I’m beaten down again, I summon strength, from deep within,

The force upon me day by day; he clambers over bales of hay,

As darkness it distorts my mind, he’s built a den with dogs in mind,

The sickness sometimes can’t be rid, but I must go because he hid,

And now I seek, to have forgotten, find him behind logs a’rotten,

In his face a different me, the boy who’d longed for climbing trees,

The piece that I missed all my life, that had me hanging, on a knife,

He’s now right here in front of me, his ignorance to set me free,

As led by hand and up the hill, we forge a memory of will,

And what and how and why and where, just go ahead we’ll meet you there,

You’ll find us climbing in our tree, our gaze as far as one can see,

Beyond the sun and over hills, here’s one more man without the pills,

Complete at last, this yang and ying, my life I fought in search of him,

And now I grasp his tiny hand, and coax him to become a man,

But I feel it’s worth the fight, as I lay him down at night,

So in the present he will be, when long I rest beneath our tree.”

Tree

 

 

Kate Spade, Ant McPartlin and a toxic society that’s killing people…

Fundamentally… as a society… if we didn’t put so much pressure on people to deliver and present a solid outer front, then less people in turmoil would be dead or on the way there…

A beautiful human being Kate Spade was lost to us recently; not one for speaking out about her bipolar disorder and too constrained by the vanity of retail, to the extent that no one was there to hear her… I wonder every day if we’d save more people like this if we just made an effort to be more human.

Now retail is waaaaaaaaay behind the curve in terms of well-being, because there’s too much focus on money, image and all the toxic vibes that these elements entail. We’re still seeing Vogue promoting women wearing makeup during a gym session, as suggested empowerment, rather than celebrating ‘real women’ over models, we’re still obsessed with selfies, the state of our pout and whether we have enough followers on social media…

The age of celebrity is upon us and everyone wants a piece! So many young entrepreneurs are so obsessed with becoming Peter Jones, Lord Sugar, or Karen Brady, but they don’t know themselves enough to hold on to anything true.

I was with an amazing young entrepreneur (on paper) recently and she talked quite a lot about how many followers she has and a little bit about the ethics of supporting impoverished farmers to do good; but when asked by an ad exec whether she’d sell her company for £20 million she said YEP I sell it and walk away!!

I said at the time, ” you don’t give a sh*t about your farmers now do you…” What happens to the farmers when you sell out? At the moment the story sells the product, but those farmers should probably underpin their services with a few more clients, in case someone buys in to bleed them dry.

Too many businesses now are so focused on CSR and ticking a new governance box, because it saves them money in tax, it means their staff work harder and they make more money as a business, but they’re not invested in in genuinely… Look at L&G and their ‘red card’ campaign, crap branding, awful look and feel, negative colour choice, lots of money making sure everyone see’s the PR, but nothing tangible or ethical surrounding the end user policy in supporting the person on the street with their insurance if they’ve got a mental health issue…

Businesses are ever more readily keen to increase staff productivity internally, but unless it affects their bottom line then no one really gives a shit… only when you get a top level exec who’s been through something and genuinely cares, do you get change on a deeper level.

On the counterpoint with SME’s or growing businesses, like with the farmer scenario, everyone wants to go ethical production etc. but only so that they can retire off it and as the mileage of the business is sold or passed on it dies and they often kill off an entire source of income for a small region of a foreign land, easily forgotten…

Anyway, I started off talking about Kate and I think what saddens me most is that she didn’t want to talk about her bipolar, because she was worries how it might affect her brand…

Now listen, if I produce some products and you don’t buy them because I have a background then frankly, you can f**k right off! Why are we pandering to a populace that doesn’t care? If I’d been anywhere near Kate or involved with her, I would have tried with everything I had in me, to help her to embrace it.

The bipolar breeds the creativity, intellect, beauty and the message encourages change, there’s so much you can do in retail if you think more about whats real, not these falsified images of people paid silly money to ponce about, because of their prosaic chin or their pert bottom…

Lets celebrate our individuality again, why does everyone in London wear black, grey and navy…?

The other side of the coin, is this celebrity element, that’s pushed Ant McPartlin to the edge, another person I feel deeply for at the moment.

Ant’s had a rough ride of it, but most likely deep within him he knows the world he’s living in is a fiction, where people don’t genuinely care about you, if not for want of future gains… From Byker Grove, to the mundane teleprompter cheese they churn out now, I know that it’s nigh impossible in that field to have anyone really hear what you’re feeling inside.

The worst bit for me was watching the first Britain’s Got Talent show without him and having everyone making comment on the situation… back handed comments, on how tragedy can accelerate a career, which is something Simon Cowell said flippantly to Dec, that must have hurt Ant if he’d hurt it. Even Dec himself was there with his opening gambit that suggested nothing in the show had changed, and with regards to the presenters, that we probably shouldn’t dwell on that…

How about, the guys f**king hurting so hard that he needs to make himself numb?! How about “we just wanted to let you know (as it’s all over the bloody news that Ant’s in rehab) that Ant’s doing really well and thanks for everyone’s support”? How about you don’t come prancing on stage every night like a tosser with no discernible talent, doing song’s with no ability to pitch and one liners that are actually more laughable than funny… it’s embarrassing, you’re his best mate!!

Who laps this lot up? Are we still playing to the dumb? And if so why? Because they’re ‘the ratings’, sat on their arse being fed the consumerist drivel to ensure they buy enough Doritos, or Pepsi Max, or car insurance that doesn’t pay out in the fine print…?!

I sometimes feel like I’m on my own in this… Why do people care more about their advancement individually, over what we could do together as a unit?

Why do we ask without really seeking the answer?

Why do you keep buying if they don’t represent your values?

Because everyone’s just bullsh*tting themselves… the quicker you actually tap onto the fact that it’s all sycophantic bullsh*t and you start being honest with yourself about where you are, the quicker you will achieve the mind shift.

Unfortunately we’re not making a dent, we celebrate what gets the most charity PR, not what charities get the best results, we oppress the celebrity with the image parameters that they have to fit themselves within, at the same time removing their right to a voice, in their NDA’s and terms of publicity; forcing them to drink in the falsity and incubate until they’re jilted into setting themselves free, with a noose on their neck, or a bottle before bed.

To Kate Spade I pay homage and I will long remember the loss… And to Ant McPartlin I say this…

“You don’t always have to be who they want you to be… Money and fame are a bi-product of how far you’ve come, your story to date, but it doesn’t have to define you, if you forget who you are then you’ll never be happy within.

Be honest with yourself about what you want, they’re not really there for you now, they’re still fluffing themselves up and carrying on as if nothing ever happened, a footnote on their ever such clean styled lives, everything they allow us to see is not whats going on deep down, it’s all about the edits so we feel and think the way they desire.

Confide in those who aren’t about your status, or ensuring you fulfil your contracted obligations; those people are the light, your agent only wants their % and your mates to far trapped in the machine to be objective. 

With anyone who pushes themselves to the limits of alcoholism, drugs, depression and beyond, it’s common to find that these individuals, are often the ones who’s mind see’s the reality in the world that surrounds us and the thought that it will never change is what drives us to angst, to numb that pain within us or remove the falsity of it for a moment… 

You’re better than that… we’re all better than that! But until we allow ourselves to be true, genuinely true within, in everything that we are and are about, then we’ll never be truly free… we are all the authors of our own story…”

 

 

 

A World of Speed

Everything in life moves too fast…

You spend most of your young life wishing you were old and the latter part wishing the opposite.

My mind, in a nut shell, moves extremely fast and I often feel isolated from those who don’t fully understand or comprehend the depths of my thinking… that’s not because I feel godly or above anyone else, it’s just on the basis that I think about everything that happens in my life day to day and make decisions and take actions faster than average.

This sort of mentality is often the way of the entrepreneur, however, sometimes misguided.

That said, I’m not misguided, I’m considered, and my considered complexities make for a pretty interesting journey, but there’s never been a backer…

Working with bigger brands and companies over 15 years I’ve always felt they moved too slowly, too much red tape and restriction unnecessarily. The big boys, tend to mismanage the basics of business, led by people who’ve forgotten the role they used to play, or now embody the disconnect between them and the people they’re selling to.

I’ve a lot of respect for some of our UK leaders but it’s the ones who rely on the insights of the generations below them that really seem to be pushing forward. We see this mostly in industries like tech and finance because the guy who generates the most revenue, or innovates the technology is the most valuable to the company.

It’s not always the case in every industry, there’s often the mentality “that’s the way we’ve always done it” and many have come crippling down because of ignorance to change, or mindset shift.

The primary take how is, when’s it all going to change? When the last of the dinosaur business model’s pales into the ether, or when our culture shifts more towards trust…

The majority of this shift is based around trust, I get it, I had technology, but I’m quite adaptable to anything if someone shows me once, I just don’t gain huge pleasure in seeking out everything about my phone, as long as I can call and text, the apps are just a biproducts of an evolved society, but even now I’m culling them, because they just insight negativity.

One of my biggest failings is that I am relatively impatient, I can’t stand stagnating… If you have an idea, or the industry changes, then shift your model, but shift it today!! It’s not all about big budgets and vanity brand presence, it’s about changing culture. It’s about investing in some of the minds fast tracking your business…

I’m not your archetypal individual, even in the mental health space they often vet what I might dish out in a presentation, because I might be open about a disingenuous sponsor or upset the cycle of societal mentality/mundanity; the censorship when you start to get asked to do a keynote speech is often somewhat oppressive.

We should be embracing the truth about how we live and how our companies operate but we want to hide it in the deepest darkest corners of lip service…

It comes back to a point in one of my earlier blogs where I suggested that when you ask someone a question, how are you etc. be willing to accept the full response and better yet, actually care about the response… I had a laugh with a colleague yesterday because I explained my views on the falsified greeting. When I say hello, I will genuinely care about our interaction… and so many of us don’t operate that way anymore. We used to be a nation of people who’d poke their nose over the fence and chat for hours and we’ve found our way towards isolation.

Now too busy buried in our mobile devices to open our eyes, natural selection will soon take its course as people are run down by traffic, as they amble aimlessly into the road for the sake of a ‘gif’ or a ‘meem’.

Wake up!!

Carpe diem!!

Go out there and give a sh*t about eachother! Care when you chat to your colleagues… remember their stakes in life are as great as yours.

Remember that of our average 80 years on the planet, after sleep and work and the torture of the day to day, you actually only have 9 years spare to live your life… so get living and add some value to others along the way… you just might find you change some lives in the process.

Another friend dead… 10 Years Ostracised, 10 Storeys to find his peace…

It’s a hard one to start this one…

The 4th friend within a year or two lost…

It’s hard to be candid sometimes when you worry you might come off as flippant, so I’ll start by saying that I didn’t like Simon when I first met him.

He was argumentative, often the ‘devil’s advocate’ even if he agreed with you and in general when I have that sort of relationship with someone it grates on me, because people can often come across as arrogant and that’s a trait that I let out to play on occasion, which is not always endearing…

That said, over years of what can only be described as ‘eclectic/diverse’ and very intense conversations about the planet and its inhabitants, I grew, not necessarily to understand, but certainly to respect and enjoy Simon, for all his ‘quirks’ and the emotive intelligence we shared in our setting the world to rights…

Now he’s dead!

Why do I put it like that? Because you need to sit up and f**king listen NOW if you want to do something about the person sitting next to you!

Here’s a guy who went through hell with a girl he loved 10 years ago, clung on to that habitual dream, never to love again, obsessed with his car, online games, safe in the chasm of fiction and he never worked beyond his allotted 37.5 hours per week; possibly as a means of control, possibly as a means of abject and enforced isolation…

10KM runs, religiously, every Sunday, so you can’t say the guy was destroying his body or neglecting his mind on every front. But his family neglected him… ostracising him those 10 years ago, at point of relationship led self-destruction.

Now he’s dead!

He’s dead, because for 10 years, those closest to him decided felt their public perception; not measuring up to his lawyer sister and not stable of mind on every front, was more important than loving their son, or their brother and really getting to grips with what made him tick. (Seemingly a posh public perception is shattered if your sons got mental health issues; I might have gone the same way if deep down there wasn’t such a deep connection to my mum, who in part saved me.)

Do I blame myself in any way for losing Simon… f**k yes I blame myself and this isn’t about me, but I’m physically sick at the thought I was arm’s length from the truth, just a bit more digging, just a bit more questioning who this man really was and where was the missing piece, that perhaps I could have filled, to remedy the void within his mind…

If we are as ‘humankind’ to look beyond the bullshit that goes on around us, to ask those questions and really care about the answers, then perhaps a change can be made.

We see businesses changing their internal policies because they want to ensure sustainable profits, but do we really look out for those around us?

If you take away anything from this life take away this… the words left unspoken can never be undone, don’t ever let protocol, or pretence suppress the potential for change… help people, help more people, we learn so much from one another and if I’d have been on the top of that building I’d have thrown myself to the edge to drag him back in and to let him know everything would be ok.

Everything would not have been OK, but when we reach that ‘Journey’s End’ – where there is life… there is hope!

What to do when Rocky doesn’t cut it?! Why did I lose my twin brother?

It’s a tough one this ‘self motivation’ and after leading home 15 years ago I find myself waning…

I think I’d be dead if I didn’t believe there was something good in the world, but most of the time now it feels like even something good, is only there because people want the PR…

Don’t get me wrong I’m not Jesus re-incarnate, nor do I think I am godly, still less do I expect people to bow before me or be irreverent to my ways, but when the default mechanism is to keep our mouth shut, in the hopes that we won’t offend, or possibly disturb everyone’s comfortable ‘status quo’ I find that really hard…

I never had that Micky on my shoulder, that Rocky had, teaching him, guiding him, telling him how to be true… I had to learn that, outside all the cock ups, along the way…

rocky and mick

I want to prove to myself and to the world that the social mechanic works, even with all the bullsh*t we see every day…

Why do the like of Trump or Phil Green have power? because they have money?! Certainly not because they’re good people deep inside…

And I genuinely feel like I’m a good person, a human, I don’t say the right thing all the time, that’s for sure; I don’t word my approach to certain subjects in the right way, that’s for sure… but a friend of mine, who’s been through some pretty hefts stuff of her own, said to me the other day, Thomas, sometimes is just OK to be a dick on occasion… the most important thing in life is that you’re not intentionally trying to be a dick…

Poignant words!

I do like animals, I do cry at The Notebook, and my favourite film is probably always going to be Robin Williams Hook, because of the feeling it gave me as a boy, that feeling of escape and freedom, that feeling I could fly if I just believe…

I still believe, it just doesn’t get me in the air the way it used to… a few blogs ago I was telling you I felt like I’d cured bipolar and now I see the reality. I guess that at least still means I’m ‘in the club’.

The problem with my life is that I spend so much time completely buggered in my mentality and longing for something that completed me, that I just racked up personal debt not knowing which way to turn and now that I’ve found what makes me happy, there’s no real time to enjoy it because it just feels like I’m trapped trying to put money in the top of a pot that’s got no bottom until such time as my bank says so…

Meanwhile trying to be dynamic, pay my staff and ensure that they’re in the zone, so the companies can thrive and we can keep ourselves current… very tricky business…

I love this programme the Secret Millionaire and the ones in america they do called Undercover Boss, and I want so much to be that guy, that just goes around finding peoples lives to change because he can, that supports them and guides them because they’re good people they just don’t have anyone that gives a sh*t about them… but are these people real… or does it only work through the magic of television where you get a bit of PR and the television company gives you some cash to doll out…? Who knows…

I dreamed for a long time of this happening to me, it didn’t… and the more I thought about it the more I thought about how hard I was pushing myself to be that guy, the guys who’s put their sharing and caring, regardless of a bloody camera on him or not, and I knew that even considering this, meant that I shouldn’t have the money because I was dreaming about someone saving me from drowning and really I just needed to teach myself to swim again…

But although I’m a qualified rescue diver and I’ve saved at least 3 lives that would not have been here necessarily if it was not for me in the water… I still feel like the guy who’s choking and grasping for the raft…

But what do you do when the Rocky theme is on repeat and it still just doesn’t cut it…?!

Well now that’s the question…

You’ve still got all the potential in the world, you’ve still got money coming in, but it’s provisioned for your debt or for those who have jobs, because you saved them from drowning first… but it never feels like enough and the worst bit is, that if you went to work for ‘the man’ and just took a job then you’d earn a bunch of money pushing someone else’s agenda, some pharmaceutical brands, or some technology and potentially stabilising yourself, but the thought of dropping the freedom you fought for, you bled for, you cried for and made yourself sick to evolve; the thought of relinquishing that so close to the end gain and so close to the abyss is just the worst feeling in the world…

Your new born son staring up at you, 7 weeks old, longing for you just to hold him, you longing just to make everything OK and longing to ensure that he never has to see the daddy of today, the one that can barely breathe…

I watch people of industry waste money every day… vanity trading the assets that could save lives or change something for the greater good and with no other thought in mind that to either pleasure themselves or that of a shareholder, and everyone’s doing it, but why…

My careers adviser at school was non existent… there was nothing to be hopeful for…

The teachers at the first school bullied me to the point I had to be pulled out, the 2nd school, a private school was still the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever had in life but after 2 years my parents split and we could only afford it momentarily because of a dead Aunty, so we left there and my emotional education went into the dirt…

I left home without a gap year, never found myself, got so messed up that I was thrown out of there without any support mechanism to fully understand me and I was so fast into working to earn to live to ensure I didn’t fall out of the societal whirlwind that before I knew it I was ruined by life and never knew which way was up… or even upbeat, which would have been a better end gain…

I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be so selfish, why should I expect people to help me or to care, if my twin brother weren’t dead and he was here today, would I have had to suffer the slings and arrows… Where are you..? I need you… I don’t even know you and I miss you… the jigsaw never did fit without your piece… I want to see your family, I want my son to know you… I want us just to be alone in silence together and know we’re finally whole… I will never feel that…

The reality is that I should be trying to motivate people through this blog but its a tough one recently…

So I turn to my beloved Robin, the surrogate father within the screen of life…

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman: ‘O me, o life of the questions of these recurring, of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these, o me, o life?’ Answer: that you are here. That life exists, and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”

CARPE DIEM!!

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Toxic Vibes… And once again finding myself on the wrong end of the spectrum…

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in these toxic situations…

For me, for a long time, that’s been irregular, and now it’s becoming almost a daily occurrence and it’s a very difficult tumor to shift…

Today i just can’t focus, my mind is all over the place, I’ve got a heart beat raging, a hot head, my adrenaline is up and down like a yo-yo and it’s all down to one individual with a toxic attitude towards everything they touch, or pass comment on…

As a guy with enough stigma to contend with I’m pretty used to kicking down walls and pushing boundaries, though i try not to make assumptions where possible, or judge people until I get the sense of who they are individually… Not one for hearsay until I’ve met someone and really understood their human element.

That in mind, I’d still say I can almost look at a person and how they act around others, gauge the nuances and shifts in their attitude that will tell me whether they’re good and kind, or whether there’s something self righteous or ugly in their personality, that I want to distance myself from…

Unfortunately I find myself in an inevitable scenario where I am trapped in a mechanism that breeds anxiety; off the back of someone’s ugliness I’m almost at point of migraine…. jelly legged and erratic in mind, just because the individual is invasive by nature and antagonistic in her approach to anything that upsets the sphere of self importance she’s shrouded herself in… the queen bee in the hive, but sucking the life out of the people in the periphery without a care or consideration… those souls of the surrounds, trapped in a sort of odd limbo…

I just can’t even finish to be honest… signing off for now… I’ve booked myself into a meeting room to avoid the energy, but it doesn’t help me deal with mine, for some reason; and the cure that seemed at the forefront only a few days back, is now just a seed of doubt, as to whether I’m going to make my shift at all…