Burnt Out?

You know that lethargy that comes with over work… hmmmmmmmmm…….

I can barely begin to write a blog about it… I sometimes feel at the point of total burnout, operating so fast often 7 days a week – this is not cool…

It’s so difficult to process what to focus on some days.

Even now I find myself drifting off to consider how I define the road ahead, how I meet the glade; that break in the treeline, where you stare across the horizon…

I stare at my dogs from a table in the garden, rolling about together, wishing better for them, the trees and fields and endless boundaries to cross, when will that day come for them?

Is this within my grasp, should i refine what I’m doing still further and simplify my life, just to channel the energy?

Or should I push for the ultimate end gain, the greater of things… Harnessing everything I have mentally into ‘big change’ my ultimate goal being a foundation to fund and mentor entrepreneurs on ‘the spectrum’…

It seems the greater my dreams and ambitions evolve, the further I drift from my goals. Is this the vanity I chastise, or is this a culmination of all my knowledge and failure… I feel it’s the latter.

I didn’t get into running my own businesses because I knew everything would be easy, in fact it’s a miracle I’m still running my businesses, given the tribulations of recent years, but I will continue to adapt and shift nimbly as we evolve what we have created.

There’s a fervor now as I tap away and I see things more clearly.

I’m not sure what I need to do, but I am feeling more clarity, perhaps just enough of the clarity I need, to define the path to my own peace.

 

 

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The Kingsman

All my life I’ve wondered who I was…

Losing my twin brother early on, you sort of feel like someone’s stolen a part of you, perhaps Hades has my soul…

Then as you grow, you try to find yourself, you try to put yourself back together, the more you learn, the more you evolve.

A life of martial arts and motorbikes, islands and jungles, always living symbiotic within my own sphere of adrenaline, never quite finding my fit…

When they told me I had a bipolar disorder, I didn’t know what that meant for me, but let me tell you what I’ve learned…

It means I love, I cry, I care; about humanity and ethics, every ounce of my being, shaped into an existence that’s about more than just myself…

A more human level of perception, I’m about people over profits, relationships not defined by social restraints or condemnations…

When I travel in London I see colour, I see shape in architecture, I see the cobbles in the alley, the aging hipster with his handlebar moustache and turnup denims… I see the chef in his whites, in the doorway, taking in the morning catch… I see energy…

I’ve always loved clothing, the variety of style, the fabric, the cut…

Even as a teen, my friends going out in their t-shirts and myself in a waistcoat and tie to offset the jean… And now I get to help define how others perceive themselves.

I get to bestow on them the strength that I have found, in the garments they adorn themselves with; in the way they operate…

In breaking down stigma, I encourage the hospitality and retail markets, the remove the veil of their shrouded vanity and remind themselves of their own truth…

And in doing so I’ve finally found out who I really am… The Kingsman.

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Bipolar Baby Days – An Ode To My Son After Fathers Mental Health Day yesterday…

Anna & Baby

It feels like the culmination of 15 years in varied turmoil and drive, is coming to point of fruition, but the choices one lays out for themselves at this point are dramatically different…

When you come to that fork in the road you must either take the red pill or the blue pill… in one instance you wake up in your bed and you plod along mundane until you realise you missed it; but in the other instance, that red pill, that right fork, you find everything you’ve always wanted.

Always take the red pill my son, always run down that right fork as if to avoid a hoard of wolves at your back.

We were destined to always find our freedom and rid ourselves of the plight of mind… evolving, thoughts undulating, as they shift like the wind on a petal.

There’s no being bold, no stiff upper lip in my world, at the end of it I still fight every day to tear away the smog in my vision and push forward. To rise from my bed and to run for you.

My feet bleed and my heart aches as I try to find another way through, lungs choking the breath from my body like a giant vice…

Every negative I pay for in mind, every burden I shoulder, that I might cast it into the abyss at the end of days…

And if our playing small does not serve the world and we all must shine, then why do we struggle for our end gain, when so many are deaf?

We do this because in learning to flow through it, learning to be symbiotic within the world we live, while incubating our spirit for a new DNA, is how we shift the balance.

Wild horses never fear a man who knows himself.

And so for you my son I bleed…

“I’m overworked, with little pay, 5 years I’ve worked all 7 days,

But all that’s gone was built to last, you can’t evolve, if not from past,

And so I fight again and more, the futures knocking at my door,

I do this all, to see my son, just climbing tree’s, in fields he’s run,

And when I’m beaten down again, I summon strength, from deep within,

The force upon me day by day; he clambers over bales of hay,

As darkness it distorts my mind, he’s built a den with dogs in mind,

The sickness sometimes can’t be rid, but I must go because he hid,

And now I seek, to have forgotten, find him behind logs a’rotten,

In his face a different me, the boy who’d longed for climbing trees,

The piece that I missed all my life, that had me hanging, on a knife,

He’s now right here in front of me, his ignorance to set me free,

As led by hand and up the hill, we forge a memory of will,

And what and how and why and where, just go ahead we’ll meet you there,

You’ll find us climbing in our tree, our gaze as far as one can see,

Beyond the sun and over hills, here’s one more man without the pills,

Complete at last, this yang and ying, my life I fought in search of him,

And now I grasp his tiny hand, and coax him to become a man,

But I feel it’s worth the fight, as I lay him down at night,

So in the present he will be, when long I rest beneath our tree.”

Tree

 

 

Kate Spade, Ant McPartlin and a toxic society that’s killing people…

Fundamentally… as a society… if we didn’t put so much pressure on people to deliver and present a solid outer front, then less people in turmoil would be dead or on the way there…

A beautiful human being Kate Spade was lost to us recently; not one for speaking out about her bipolar disorder and too constrained by the vanity of retail, to the extent that no one was there to hear her… I wonder every day if we’d save more people like this if we just made an effort to be more human.

Now retail is waaaaaaaaay behind the curve in terms of well-being, because there’s too much focus on money, image and all the toxic vibes that these elements entail. We’re still seeing Vogue promoting women wearing makeup during a gym session, as suggested empowerment, rather than celebrating ‘real women’ over models, we’re still obsessed with selfies, the state of our pout and whether we have enough followers on social media…

The age of celebrity is upon us and everyone wants a piece! So many young entrepreneurs are so obsessed with becoming Peter Jones, Lord Sugar, or Karen Brady, but they don’t know themselves enough to hold on to anything true.

I was with an amazing young entrepreneur (on paper) recently and she talked quite a lot about how many followers she has and a little bit about the ethics of supporting impoverished farmers to do good; but when asked by an ad exec whether she’d sell her company for £20 million she said YEP I sell it and walk away!!

I said at the time, ” you don’t give a sh*t about your farmers now do you…” What happens to the farmers when you sell out? At the moment the story sells the product, but those farmers should probably underpin their services with a few more clients, in case someone buys in to bleed them dry.

Too many businesses now are so focused on CSR and ticking a new governance box, because it saves them money in tax, it means their staff work harder and they make more money as a business, but they’re not invested in in genuinely… Look at L&G and their ‘red card’ campaign, crap branding, awful look and feel, negative colour choice, lots of money making sure everyone see’s the PR, but nothing tangible or ethical surrounding the end user policy in supporting the person on the street with their insurance if they’ve got a mental health issue…

Businesses are ever more readily keen to increase staff productivity internally, but unless it affects their bottom line then no one really gives a shit… only when you get a top level exec who’s been through something and genuinely cares, do you get change on a deeper level.

On the counterpoint with SME’s or growing businesses, like with the farmer scenario, everyone wants to go ethical production etc. but only so that they can retire off it and as the mileage of the business is sold or passed on it dies and they often kill off an entire source of income for a small region of a foreign land, easily forgotten…

Anyway, I started off talking about Kate and I think what saddens me most is that she didn’t want to talk about her bipolar, because she was worries how it might affect her brand…

Now listen, if I produce some products and you don’t buy them because I have a background then frankly, you can f**k right off! Why are we pandering to a populace that doesn’t care? If I’d been anywhere near Kate or involved with her, I would have tried with everything I had in me, to help her to embrace it.

The bipolar breeds the creativity, intellect, beauty and the message encourages change, there’s so much you can do in retail if you think more about whats real, not these falsified images of people paid silly money to ponce about, because of their prosaic chin or their pert bottom…

Lets celebrate our individuality again, why does everyone in London wear black, grey and navy…?

The other side of the coin, is this celebrity element, that’s pushed Ant McPartlin to the edge, another person I feel deeply for at the moment.

Ant’s had a rough ride of it, but most likely deep within him he knows the world he’s living in is a fiction, where people don’t genuinely care about you, if not for want of future gains… From Byker Grove, to the mundane teleprompter cheese they churn out now, I know that it’s nigh impossible in that field to have anyone really hear what you’re feeling inside.

The worst bit for me was watching the first Britain’s Got Talent show without him and having everyone making comment on the situation… back handed comments, on how tragedy can accelerate a career, which is something Simon Cowell said flippantly to Dec, that must have hurt Ant if he’d hurt it. Even Dec himself was there with his opening gambit that suggested nothing in the show had changed, and with regards to the presenters, that we probably shouldn’t dwell on that…

How about, the guys f**king hurting so hard that he needs to make himself numb?! How about “we just wanted to let you know (as it’s all over the bloody news that Ant’s in rehab) that Ant’s doing really well and thanks for everyone’s support”? How about you don’t come prancing on stage every night like a tosser with no discernible talent, doing song’s with no ability to pitch and one liners that are actually more laughable than funny… it’s embarrassing, you’re his best mate!!

Who laps this lot up? Are we still playing to the dumb? And if so why? Because they’re ‘the ratings’, sat on their arse being fed the consumerist drivel to ensure they buy enough Doritos, or Pepsi Max, or car insurance that doesn’t pay out in the fine print…?!

I sometimes feel like I’m on my own in this… Why do people care more about their advancement individually, over what we could do together as a unit?

Why do we ask without really seeking the answer?

Why do you keep buying if they don’t represent your values?

Because everyone’s just bullsh*tting themselves… the quicker you actually tap onto the fact that it’s all sycophantic bullsh*t and you start being honest with yourself about where you are, the quicker you will achieve the mind shift.

Unfortunately we’re not making a dent, we celebrate what gets the most charity PR, not what charities get the best results, we oppress the celebrity with the image parameters that they have to fit themselves within, at the same time removing their right to a voice, in their NDA’s and terms of publicity; forcing them to drink in the falsity and incubate until they’re jilted into setting themselves free, with a noose on their neck, or a bottle before bed.

To Kate Spade I pay homage and I will long remember the loss… And to Ant McPartlin I say this…

“You don’t always have to be who they want you to be… Money and fame are a bi-product of how far you’ve come, your story to date, but it doesn’t have to define you, if you forget who you are then you’ll never be happy within.

Be honest with yourself about what you want, they’re not really there for you now, they’re still fluffing themselves up and carrying on as if nothing ever happened, a footnote on their ever such clean styled lives, everything they allow us to see is not whats going on deep down, it’s all about the edits so we feel and think the way they desire.

Confide in those who aren’t about your status, or ensuring you fulfil your contracted obligations; those people are the light, your agent only wants their % and your mates to far trapped in the machine to be objective. 

With anyone who pushes themselves to the limits of alcoholism, drugs, depression and beyond, it’s common to find that these individuals, are often the ones who’s mind see’s the reality in the world that surrounds us and the thought that it will never change is what drives us to angst, to numb that pain within us or remove the falsity of it for a moment… 

You’re better than that… we’re all better than that! But until we allow ourselves to be true, genuinely true within, in everything that we are and are about, then we’ll never be truly free… we are all the authors of our own story…”