What to do when Rocky doesn’t cut it?! Why did I lose my twin brother?

It’s a tough one this ‘self motivation’ and after leading home 15 years ago I find myself waning…

I think I’d be dead if I didn’t believe there was something good in the world, but most of the time now it feels like even something good, is only there because people want the PR…

Don’t get me wrong I’m not Jesus re-incarnate, nor do I think I am godly, still less do I expect people to bow before me or be irreverent to my ways, but when the default mechanism is to keep our mouth shut, in the hopes that we won’t offend, or possibly disturb everyone’s comfortable ‘status quo’ I find that really hard…

I never had that Micky on my shoulder, that Rocky had, teaching him, guiding him, telling him how to be true… I had to learn that, outside all the cock ups, along the way…

rocky and mick

I want to prove to myself and to the world that the social mechanic works, even with all the bullsh*t we see every day…

Why do the like of Trump or Phil Green have power? because they have money?! Certainly not because they’re good people deep inside…

And I genuinely feel like I’m a good person, a human, I don’t say the right thing all the time, that’s for sure; I don’t word my approach to certain subjects in the right way, that’s for sure… but a friend of mine, who’s been through some pretty hefts stuff of her own, said to me the other day, Thomas, sometimes is just OK to be a dick on occasion… the most important thing in life is that you’re not intentionally trying to be a dick…

Poignant words!

I do like animals, I do cry at The Notebook, and my favourite film is probably always going to be Robin Williams Hook, because of the feeling it gave me as a boy, that feeling of escape and freedom, that feeling I could fly if I just believe…

I still believe, it just doesn’t get me in the air the way it used to… a few blogs ago I was telling you I felt like I’d cured bipolar and now I see the reality. I guess that at least still means I’m ‘in the club’.

The problem with my life is that I spend so much time completely buggered in my mentality and longing for something that completed me, that I just racked up personal debt not knowing which way to turn and now that I’ve found what makes me happy, there’s no real time to enjoy it because it just feels like I’m trapped trying to put money in the top of a pot that’s got no bottom until such time as my bank says so…

Meanwhile trying to be dynamic, pay my staff and ensure that they’re in the zone, so the companies can thrive and we can keep ourselves current… very tricky business…

I love this programme the Secret Millionaire and the ones in america they do called Undercover Boss, and I want so much to be that guy, that just goes around finding peoples lives to change because he can, that supports them and guides them because they’re good people they just don’t have anyone that gives a sh*t about them… but are these people real… or does it only work through the magic of television where you get a bit of PR and the television company gives you some cash to doll out…? Who knows…

I dreamed for a long time of this happening to me, it didn’t… and the more I thought about it the more I thought about how hard I was pushing myself to be that guy, the guys who’s put their sharing and caring, regardless of a bloody camera on him or not, and I knew that even considering this, meant that I shouldn’t have the money because I was dreaming about someone saving me from drowning and really I just needed to teach myself to swim again…

But although I’m a qualified rescue diver and I’ve saved at least 3 lives that would not have been here necessarily if it was not for me in the water… I still feel like the guy who’s choking and grasping for the raft…

But what do you do when the Rocky theme is on repeat and it still just doesn’t cut it…?!

Well now that’s the question…

You’ve still got all the potential in the world, you’ve still got money coming in, but it’s provisioned for your debt or for those who have jobs, because you saved them from drowning first… but it never feels like enough and the worst bit is, that if you went to work for ‘the man’ and just took a job then you’d earn a bunch of money pushing someone else’s agenda, some pharmaceutical brands, or some technology and potentially stabilising yourself, but the thought of dropping the freedom you fought for, you bled for, you cried for and made yourself sick to evolve; the thought of relinquishing that so close to the end gain and so close to the abyss is just the worst feeling in the world…

Your new born son staring up at you, 7 weeks old, longing for you just to hold him, you longing just to make everything OK and longing to ensure that he never has to see the daddy of today, the one that can barely breathe…

I watch people of industry waste money every day… vanity trading the assets that could save lives or change something for the greater good and with no other thought in mind that to either pleasure themselves or that of a shareholder, and everyone’s doing it, but why…

My careers adviser at school was non existent… there was nothing to be hopeful for…

The teachers at the first school bullied me to the point I had to be pulled out, the 2nd school, a private school was still the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever had in life but after 2 years my parents split and we could only afford it momentarily because of a dead Aunty, so we left there and my emotional education went into the dirt…

I left home without a gap year, never found myself, got so messed up that I was thrown out of there without any support mechanism to fully understand me and I was so fast into working to earn to live to ensure I didn’t fall out of the societal whirlwind that before I knew it I was ruined by life and never knew which way was up… or even upbeat, which would have been a better end gain…

I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be so selfish, why should I expect people to help me or to care, if my twin brother weren’t dead and he was here today, would I have had to suffer the slings and arrows… Where are you..? I need you… I don’t even know you and I miss you… the jigsaw never did fit without your piece… I want to see your family, I want my son to know you… I want us just to be alone in silence together and know we’re finally whole… I will never feel that…

The reality is that I should be trying to motivate people through this blog but its a tough one recently…

So I turn to my beloved Robin, the surrogate father within the screen of life…

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman: ‘O me, o life of the questions of these recurring, of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these, o me, o life?’ Answer: that you are here. That life exists, and identity. That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”

CARPE DIEM!!

robin-williams-10

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Toxic Vibes… And once again finding myself on the wrong end of the spectrum…

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in these toxic situations…

For me, for a long time, that’s been irregular, and now it’s becoming almost a daily occurrence and it’s a very difficult tumor to shift…

Today i just can’t focus, my mind is all over the place, I’ve got a heart beat raging, a hot head, my adrenaline is up and down like a yo-yo and it’s all down to one individual with a toxic attitude towards everything they touch, or pass comment on…

As a guy with enough stigma to contend with I’m pretty used to kicking down walls and pushing boundaries, though i try not to make assumptions where possible, or judge people until I get the sense of who they are individually… Not one for hearsay until I’ve met someone and really understood their human element.

That in mind, I’d still say I can almost look at a person and how they act around others, gauge the nuances and shifts in their attitude that will tell me whether they’re good and kind, or whether there’s something self righteous or ugly in their personality, that I want to distance myself from…

Unfortunately I find myself in an inevitable scenario where I am trapped in a mechanism that breeds anxiety; off the back of someone’s ugliness I’m almost at point of migraine…. jelly legged and erratic in mind, just because the individual is invasive by nature and antagonistic in her approach to anything that upsets the sphere of self importance she’s shrouded herself in… the queen bee in the hive, but sucking the life out of the people in the periphery without a care or consideration… those souls of the surrounds, trapped in a sort of odd limbo…

I just can’t even finish to be honest… signing off for now… I’ve booked myself into a meeting room to avoid the energy, but it doesn’t help me deal with mine, for some reason; and the cure that seemed at the forefront only a few days back, is now just a seed of doubt, as to whether I’m going to make my shift at all…