It’s good to talk… But no one really wants to listen…

I think probably the most difficult issue for me, surrounding dealing with any sort of depression, anxiety, mental well-being, is trying to establish a sustainable feeling of self worth..

When I was younger it was easier for sure… But as we grow older it becomes more increasingly difficult to go to sleep at night and feel contented with who you’ve become…

There’s a given paradox between public perception of an individual and the reality by which they live their lives.

I personally don’t feel that there’s a person on the planet I can talk to. I mean really talk to…

I’ve been to counsellors in the past but they’re generally affluent, theoretical practitioners, who wouldn’t know a rough day if it hit them in the face. Dishing out open ended questions hoping that you’ll cry and go home and refer them…

Unfortunately that’s not the way it works.

The difficulty is that I can barely be honest with myself. I certainly can’t spill my gut’s to the n’th degree over a blog or through a facebook status… We are each trapped in the conundrum of public perception…

Running your own business is a difficult thing in itself. it’s difficult on your finances, it restricts your lifestyle and affects your relationship; not to mention if you suddenly let everyone into the darkness you face… What then? Maybe some people support but that doesn’t pay the rent and if you don’t have mummy and daddy to wrap you up in cotton wool or bank notes then it’s a pretty tough gig.

Generally what happens when you’re open is that some people are really nice and some people just screw you over… And to maintain momentum, business growth etc. you need to stick on your stiff upper lip and play friend to the world if you want people to invest in what you do…

When you feel so worthless, when you feel you’ve lost your wind, when you feel like the list of people who respect you is dwindling and those who remain would probably kick you to the curb if they knew what you went through outside the public eye then it’s a pretty dark place to be sitting.

In all honesty I don’t know what the answer is… I guess that I believed in writing it would flood out but it’s trapped… And I won’t be the only one, I feel sick to think there could be even one other person out there who feels this way, but I know there are many and I wish there was a remedy.

I was born of twins but my brother died at birth and I think all my life I’ve know I was only half the picture… Probably why I have always tried to be better than others in whatever I do, swimming, martial arts, sales, they all came easy and the 2nd place candidates were always way behind. But there was never anything to fill that void.

I think it’s an unlikely and unexplored emptiness that comes with that history. It’s like a constant hunger to fill the void within, but there’s always space left; a struggle for breath while climbing and there’s never quite enough oxygen to suffice.

I’m sort of at that point where I feel a bit self-absorbed to be always considering my emotional state when I fight with my partner or have a crap day. Is it an arrogant consideration to focus immediately on how you feel and how dark that is, when what I probably should be thinking is how do I effect others and is that proactive or a negative?

We all have something within that consists of self preservation at the forefront. But at what stage do you become a martyr?

And if you hit that stage, then how do you get help and how do you achieve solace or find that pleasure in life?

I refer back to my favourite poem at this stage as I’m ‘lost in translation’

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Easier said than done…

Ethics… And the excrement that follows…

As a guy who’s spent 10+ years in the sales field, I definitely wasn’t aware when I went into this line of work, about the sheer amount of shit that would befall me…

Sorry if you’re not a fan of the word ‘shit’ in the first sentence, but I felt the opening gambit should be poignant, otherwise whats the point, you may not read on…

My ‘mother didn’t raise no fool’ but it’s safe to say that she did try to instil ethics early on, and that may as well be the same thing in our society today.

I’m definitely losing faith in being human…

I’ve always tried to be honest in my approach to anything I’ve done, more specifically any form of business relationship or working role. But it appears to me that I’m a bit like a magnet for deceit.

I don’t want to suggest here that I’ve not been flippant on occasion, rude and obnoxious in the wrong circumstance from time to time and I’ve definitely had some dark moments I’d rather never dwell on again, but I will not sell you up the river for the betterment of myself as an individual, I do care and I do try to help all those I see that I might, often to my own detriment…

The societal issue here is that we’re actually allowing those who have a bit of power or credibility to feed on those less fortunate and it’s all absolutely fine, as long as the top of the food chain remain in favour, or fed and the little man keeps their mouth shut.

On the other end of the spectrum we’ve got criminals and arrogant youth quoting legalities to our law enforcement, while their powers are slowly stripped away so there’s less and less they can do to affect any change in the world that’s becoming just a bit too ‘PC’.

You can’t even hug a child when they fall and cut their knee at school without something reading into it… How about… The child is crying, and I don’t want the child to feel sad, or hurt, or to cry… You know, old school!

We see in the press every day, people who’ve sold their story surrounding a sordid situation with a celebrity in some form or another. Tabloids and journalists greasing the palms of the underprivileged, as the Roman’s once did, to slight their societal rivals with knowledge of their indiscretions.

Safe to say Operation Yewtree¬†should have taught us that there’s probably more going on than we thought in a range of areas…

There’s also the people who feed on this; sex, drugs, scandal, fraud, it’s all so rife through our visual media that we become numb to it and we’d probably barely notice if someone flashed us on the street.

In my time I’ve worked with multi millionaires, celebrities, blue chip companies and beyond and in every single field without exception, there’s been twisted elements that are simply unethical.

My opinion of the world is that we have a responsibility to our fellow man, just to be good and true to what we know to be moral and right.

There is no band width for wavering in this… There’s no grey area… If it feels wrong then it probably is wrong…

If someone sets you up with a deal that makes¬†you a shed load of money, then you should support them and reward them in kind… But that’s not how sales works… In reality if someone made you a serious revenue stream then it seems people would rather do their best to keep as much in their pocket as possible.

The logic from my perspective is:

  1. Sales guy brings in big money/opportunity
  2. Rather than keep it all, the company genuinely looks after that sales guy and gives them a fair proportion
  3. Sales guy, feels supported, respected and gratified in his success
  4. Sales guy becomes loyal and devotes himself to more of the same

That’s how an ethical sales process works… Very simple if you’re not greedy!

And companies the world over would make more money if they considered every level of their businesses and the general well-being of the individuals surrounding them.

If we just afforded respect and reward where due, instead of trying to cling on to the scraps of every element then perhaps things may change.

But I don’t know if they will… I don’t know if they can… Because people only want whats best for them and rarely consider how their actions could affect one another on an individual basis…

This is why it matters not, how commercially minded you are, how genuine, or honest, every element of what surrounds us is pushing us to close off, to let ‘dog eat dog’ and to ‘look after number 1’. Because if you wear your heart on your sleeve, if you’re human in what you do, people see that chink in the armour and they bastardise it…

Where do we go from here? How do we maintain that faith? That energy for human existence… That feeling that there’s more to life than bleeding what you can from the day to day…

I don’t think I’ve got all the answers…

But next time you have an opportunity to let the older lady in front of you in the queue during your lunch hour, hold the door with a smile for the admin girl at work, who no one pays heed to, pay the sales guy his commission on time, without shifting the boundaries when you think about your annual take home… Consider the ethics… Consider what one small act may do to change that persons world…

We’ve all got a story that the paper might pay for, but at the end of the day… Rome fell… So I’d argue that mentality is certainly not something I want in my epitaph…

SIDE NOTE: Since publishing this post, someone may have just changed my life… Maybe there is hope…